A psychotherapist with 45 years working as a sex therapist has detailed why she believes people cheat, and explains how you can prevent it
A well-known couples therapist and sex expert has opened up about what she believes is the main reason people cheat in relationships.
Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful can feel absolutely devastating, and it’s something many people fear. But interestingly, there might actually be a way to avoid ending up in that heartbreaking situation—though, of course, it’s never your fault if it happens.
Esther Perel, a licensed psychologist and relationship expert with over four decades of experience, says that she’s identified the core reason why people sometimes stray outside of their relationships.
“Infidelity has existed since marriage was invented and people stray for a multitude of reasons: sometimes those have to do with the relationship – sometimes it’s rejection, betrayal, disconnection, alienation. Loneliness is a big one.” she explained during an interview with the Telegraph.
“Sometimes it has reasons which have very little to do with the relationship: the reasons are internal.”
While there are plenty of different reasons someone might have an affair, Perel believes that, more often than not, it comes down to a reaction. That reaction is usually to the feeling that the relationship has lost its spark or feels emotionally lifeless.
Psychologist Esther Perel believes that affairs often occur when a relationship is no longer exciting
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“It could be any number of things.” Perel added. “Most people today in the West are going to have two or three relationships or marriages in their adult life. Some of us will do it with the same person.”
“The story of an affair is that your first marriage is over. But you can create a second one.”
Although it might sound a little tough to hear, she points out that sometimes relationships become so emotionally close and predictable that it unintentionally kills desire. In other cases, couples might drift apart slowly, which leaves one person feeling like their partner just doesn’t care anymore.
Being playful with your partner can help re-ignite a spark
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But here’s the good news—Perel says that even if a relationship feels like it has gone dull or emotionally flat, there is still hope. There are ways to work through that emotional dead zone together.
“Curiosity.” she said while explaining her view.
“It means exploration, it means discovery, it means active engagement with the unknown, it means being alive. It’s a good entry door.”
“It’s about opening yourself up to the possibility that you don’t know your partner as well as you think. Instead of settling into a cosy existence, why don’t we, instead, have a conversation about something interesting besides what we want from each other?”
Perel, who is often referred to as a sex and intimacy expert, adds that curiosity is really about being playful. And through play, people can take little risks together in a way that feels fun. With the right mindset, even the smallest of changes could help bring that lost connection back into the relationship